In the beforetimes, as they say on the Marketplace podcast, I was studying French. I was very nervous about speaking French, but I was getting pretty good at simple conversations. I could understand people when out to eat, or shopping, or at the hotel. Je voudrais un chambre simple. I love that phrase!
On one trip, I got to meet several French colleagues in Cologne, Germany. They were talking about changing the wording of something in one of the papers[1], and Oliver said, “It is alright for me.” I was very confused because they continued arguing about if they should make the change, and if they were to make the change, what the change would be.
I am often very tired the first day of meetings because I don’t do time changes well[2]. However, I became fascinated by the discussion because Polly would say one thing, Gaston would counter it, and when they would turn to Oliver to decide which way to go, he would say, “It is alright for me.” I wanted to intervene, but I didn’t think I was totally understanding what the discussion was about or why they didn’t take the, “It is alright for me,” and move on to the next issue.
It took me several times listening to the interchanges to understand Oliver was saying, “It is alright for me the way it is. We don’t need to change it.”
That was a shock. And it wasn’t the end of the problem. With another colleague I kept having trouble understanding why he never did the action I asked him to do. Could he send out the invitation to the meeting because I didn’t have my computer with me? He would say yes. He would mean yes he could, but he wouldn’t necessarily do it. In his mind he said he could do it, but perhaps he figured I could do it when I get home.
I used to ask questions in a confusing way. First, the person being queried would be confused, then I would get confused by the answer. Do you want to go to the movies or buy a video game? Why was I surprised when the answer was yes.
The structure of a question reveals so much about the intention of the questioner. The answer to a question is taken withing the context held by the person inquiring. Inquiring minds want to know, but sometimes, they are just using the question to affirm their own position[3]. Interrogatives are helpful to get your communicating partner to express their desires and try and find a balance that makes you both happy. However, if you ask a question where you know the answer desired and reject not hearing that desired answer, you wear away at the trust in a relationship.
I think, as a ruminate on this, the only way communication works at all is when the level of trust between two people communicating is known and equal for both sides. Polly, Gaston and Oliver all understood that Oliver was saying no to the change when he said, “It is alright for me.”
Two takeaways here:
- When listening to other people converse, it is important to be an observer and not intrude on their conversations because they may not be having a disconnect. You might learn something.
- When having a conversation, when things are going badly, take a step back and figure out if the trust level is known, equal and reciprocal. Just another example of needing to level up in life.
- Levels of trust are fluid. Don’t assume because in the past it worked that it will in the future.
[1] Peer Review Hard too.
[2] If I do get to return to Cologne in the future, I really need to think about going a day earlier to get adjusted to the time zone. But who knows if and when business travel for me will return… or what the policy will be.
[3] LittleOne does this a lot.
I’ve found that sometimes a follow on clarification is needed when conversing with folks whose primary language is not English. Our norms are often not theirs.
Interesting article as always!!
Yes! I remember training I had when I worked for that aerospace company on how not to try to hug people in France. Sometimes, it is better to go back and get clarification. 🙂 Thanks for reading and your kind words!